Christmas Gifts

“I had a really shitty christmas last year when I was with my girlfriend. I spent a lot of time and energy (and love) to create an amazing gift for her and I got a toy car and some personal toiletries.”

Rob,

Wow. Strangely, I happen to be wearing my beautiful necklace right at this moment which I indeed deeply cherish as it holds very clean and treasured energy for me from our relationship – one that I count myself blessed and grateful to have had. This is something I have expressed to you more than a few times – with a most open and wounded heart – for in our time I genuinely believed in us, I believed in you, I believed all that you presented to me in your vision of a life together.
Even when it wasn’t flowing peacefully.
Even when it was painful and when I identified our challenges to you and asked for us to work together to make things better.
Even when I was brave enough to be the one to broach difficult subjects that needed discussion when I would have preferrd not to.

You neglected to mention the surprise half birthday party that I was so excited to throw for you at camp last year, knowing how much you hate your birthday being on Christmas. You neglected to mention a few of the homemade gifts, and the symbolism behind the ‘toy car’ – being the Corvette that I know is one of your big dreams. My intent was certainly not to offend you with at toy car – but to envision you one step closer to a big dream which I knew meant a lot to you. Funny how you never told me how much it bothered you at the time. I could have at least had the opportunity to apologize to you for disappointing you with your Christmas gift. I am sorry to hear you were disappointed so deeply. I understand you were angry I went away last Christmas. I did my best to explain to you how much it meant to me to follow through on a commitment and goal to myself to visit my Grandmother before year end.

I also believed that you had received my heartfelt communications about us, about my love for you, about my great respect and honour for your request to always be honest with you, which sadly ended in a result that I am aware hurt you. I have apologized for the hurt I have caused, but will never apologize for being honest and following what I felt was the right decision for both of our life’s journeys. I worked hard on us Rob. I put in 100% and did not give up easily. I know I am far from perfect. I know I made mistakes, I also know I apologized for them. I know you gave me everything you had. I felt your heart so fully, so deeply, which is why I have only love and treasured memories left in my heart – no anger, no resentment, no regret, no blame.

I recall being very open with you even just recently at how much I learned, grew, appreciated, and cared for you and am grateful for the time we had together. I recall you once telling me that you would always want me to be honest with you – even if I knew it would not be what you wanted to hear. It seems to me that perhaps that was untrue – with your harboured venom towards me now I wonder if you would have preferred I’d not been truthful with you.

I please request, if you have strong unresolved anger towards me, and things that you wish to vent, that you please feel completely free to express them to me directly and with great passion and honesty. I welcome your rage, your feelings, your unheard disappointments, your expression, directly to me – as I feel the passive aggressive approach is not a ‘higher consciousness’ way of being. I too, agree that “The Secret” is a wonderful film, and embrace the concepts within. I have forgiven- myself and you – and sent so much love, energy, and kind thoughts to you as it seems to me that is what is done for a great Love.

I shared some very personal and raw parts of myself with you – some in my writing – in an attempt to reveal to you the depths of my soul and my offer of peace. The best way I knew to give you the nakedness of my feelings was to let you know the sadness, the pain, the self-torment, the appreciation, the many times spent thinking and writing about you.

I trusted that you had listened to, and taken in my very raw and honest genuine communication to you of how very very much I appreciate your friendship. It seemed to me that we had a wonderful ability to spend time peacefully in mixed company recently with ease and grace, something that I took great care to call you up afterwards and thank you for as I actually took your friendship as genuine.

If it is not – then please spare me false smile and pleasantries.

My true heartfelt desire for you is for a wonderful holiday season, and a New Year filled with adventure, joy, successes, prosperity, passion, authenticity, abundance, peace, and great love.

I will reiterate Rob, how much I care for and love you, though I am deeply sorry it is not in the way you wished it to be as your life partner.

I am honoured to have been given the gift of your heart and of your love. I will treasure it always.
Merry Christmas.

Sonja